On Self Evaluation

1. What would make you feel embarrassed in public? Using a word incorrectly. Most of the time I'm only guessing when and what to use based on context and when I've heard it used. Half the words I use I probably couldn't define for you, which shows a lack of knowledge, and I hate being stumped.
2. What do you think is your biggest flaw? What have you done about it? I think I can be a bit too heartless in my criticisms of people. I don't do anything to change this.
3. What is your biggest strength? How did you develop it? I don't know that I could pinpoint a single strength. I'd argue that I have no strengths, only proficiencies that get me by.
4. What do you have to put up with in your life? How long have you been tolerating it? Questions. I am naturally very inquisitive, but I can't stand answering questions. I think my abhorrence stems from childhood. My parents would tell me to look up the answers to my questions rather than asking them. I enjoy the research so much that I just don't ask anymore. I find that people are not reliable sources as books are. Alas, most people are not so independently minded and I have to answer mundane questions all the time.
5. If you could change your name, what would your new name be? That would all depend on the day. Today I think I might like my name to be Audrey. I like that name.
6. What color dominates your wardrobe? How do you feel when you wear that color? Why? I have a fairly even mix of colour, but my favourite right now would have to be purple. Deep purple. I feel rich (in a delicious sort of way, not wealthy) and pretty. It's such a deeply complex colour with some sort of dark intelligence about it I guess.
7. Which song do you sing only when you’re alone? What memory does it bring back? The Garten Mother's Lullaby brings peace and no memory, but a hope that one day I can share it with my children.
8. Whom do you secretly envy? Why? I don't think I really envy anyone right now. I'm very happy to be where I am, and I think I'm bloody fantastic.
9. What do you really want?  Family. Not like parents or siblings or aunts and uncles, just people who can be my family.
10. What is the way you often sabotage yourself? I take tangents rather than sticking with something. Then again, I stick to something and can't put it down when something else needs doing. I'm all sorts of self sabotage. I'm a walking contradiction.
11. Who would you like to please the most? Myself.
12. What do you think a stranger’s first impression of you would be? 'Well she's awful quiet. Is she dull?'
13. What would you try now if you were sure you wouldn’t fail? Falling in love. I have yet to let that happen. There's too much risk in admitting to it, and the last thing I need is a broken heart. Muddles the head.
14. What was that thing you never tried because you were afraid of failure? Falling in love. I'm telling you, I have a dreadful fear of it. When I commit, it's a big deal. I read somewhere once that INTJs take commitment very seriously and try the hardest of any type to make it work. This about sums me up. I'm not going to throw myself at anybody unless I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I can make it happen. Hence I have never had a relationship because I'm just too danged scared.
15. What was your greatest disappointment in life? No regrets. That's my motto.
16. As a kid, what did you dream of becoming when you grew up? At five I wanted to be a cashier and strike at buttons on a register. At twelve I wanted to be a veterinarian. At fourteen I wanted to be a zoologist. In high school I wanted to go into linguistics or archaeology. In college I started out toying with archaeology and art, but ended with theatre. Now I don't know what I want to be, but I want it to be history related.
17. What are you really good at? Anything I want to be really good at.
18. What can you do better? Better than what? A penguin? I can walk better than a penguin can. I certainly sing better than a penguin sings.
19. What worries you the most when you think about your future? That I will die utterly alone and without having made an impact. Stupid really, as most people will say that, but isn't legacy what we all crave in the end?
20. What really sucks in your life? Who has the power to change it? My financial situation could always be better, but I don't know that it can really be helped.
21. What is your life really about? What is your purpose in life? My life is about getting by. My purpose is to be satisfied with myself and to be a better Christian.  
22. What are you grateful for? I'm grateful for the people in my life right now. I've undergone a complete social shift, and I feel that I finally am who I've always been. I can finally say I'm wholly honest, because I'm not putting on some facade to impress some comic book nerds or valley girls. What you see is what you get.
23. What time of the day do you feel the most energetic? And what do you usually do in those moments? Lately it's been when I've been getting ready to walk out the door at the beginning of the day. I feel so energetic that I have to run around the house a couple of times.
24. If you knew you had only one week to live, how and with whom would you spend it? I would probably spend it alone. I'd go away somewhere I've always wanted to go, see what I want to see, meditate, and find peace with death. 
25. Why do you think your most favorite film touches you so deeply? Ever After? Well, it's historical fiction based in 15th (16th maybe) century France, it has fantastic costumes, and it's about an intelligent girl who can't expect much but in the end gains everything because of her wit.
26. If you could be a fictional character from a movie or a novel, who would you want to be? Why? I would like to be Jane Eyre. She's just... everything I want to be. Gaw, it's a late night, and I can feel myself melting into a romantic sop. I hate this part of the day.
27. What are you really bad at? Paying attention. When you have to talk aloud to yourself to think on one thing while your brain is stuck on another completely different topic, that's when you know your thoughts are too much. When you aren't allowed to think aloud then, you're easily distracted in trying to multitask thoughts.
28. Who would you like to forgive and forget? Myself.
29. Do you often hear your inner voice? What does it usually tell you? This is preposterous. Yes, I do, and we carry on some lovely conversations about a great many things. It tells me mostly that I'm awesome and that I don't need to worry like I do.
30. When was the last time you cried without anyone seeing you? And why? July I think. I'd had to talk to my boss about a secret shopper review that was not the greatest, and it hurt my pride. I felt like a failure. It was the second in two months, and I've been trying to be more pleasant with customers, but when I don't care about you I just can't fake it. I don't take to failure too well.
31. What do you want people you meet for the first time to think about you? I'd hope they think that I'm intelligent, however this is doubtful since I'm very socially awkward, so I probably come across as very slow in the head. 
32. If you had the opportunity to go back in time and make a change, would you still want to have the same parents? Honestly no. I love my parents, but I've lost respect for them. They are no longer the omniscient beings I took them to be when I was five. I'm curious to see how I would get on with smarter parents.
33. If you could go back in time and change things, how would you alter the last ten years? I wouldn't.
34. If you could get rid of one of your responsibilities today, what would that be? Paying bills.
35. What is the biggest lie you tell yourself? I'm worthless.
36. What do you think is missing in your life? Love. I feel valued, but I don't feel love. I think that may be because I don't love myself. I don't love anything except maybe my dogs. I value myself highly, but I don't know that I really love myself. Love is just too... human.
37. What do you think is the biggest injustice that was ever done to you? I feel that I've been jilted out of the education I deserved.
38. What type of person angers you the most? The type who asks questions and doesn't accept the answer. And those people who take pride in their ignorance.
39. Who never fails to make you feel good about yourself? My friends.
40. If you could start all over again, what would you want to study? I am starting all over with history. I should never have given it up.
41. Which type of intelligence do you wish you had: kinetic, visual, interpersonal, linguistic or mathematical? Linguistic
42. What is your biggest pet peeve? Inability to use acceptable grammar. I'm not even talking about perfect grammar, I just want to hear something that at least sounds as though it's correct.
43. What was the one opportunity you always believed you’ve missed out on? I don't feel like I've missed out on anything. I see what people are doing, and I look back on what my peers were doing, and I think I'm happy with the way I've conducted my life.
44. What do you like about yourself the most? My passion. I'm very passionate about a great many things. 
45. What do you regret the most? My passion. I'm very passionate about a great many things... 
46. What would you like most to be acknowledged for in your life? The fact that I made it through and found what I wanted. I feel close, but I don't quite understand the route yet.
47. What is the first thought that usually crosses your mind the second you open your eyes in the morning? If I'm washing my hair today, I better get up... OR I washed my hair yesterday, so I'm good for another day which means I can sleep for another fifteen minutes.
48. What is that thing about yourself you’re sick and tired of? My hair. No doubt about it. I hate my hair.
49. Who really depends on you? Why? Tonks. My dog. No surprise, as domesticated animals are hardly independent. 
50. What was the most frustrating period in your creative life? I would have to say that it's now. At least artistically speaking, I have no muse and have lived without one for many years. Nothing inspires me to draw anymore, and I feel as though I'm not progressing artistically because she's up and left me. I want to progress so bad, but I just... can't.
51. Do you love yourself? I sort of answered this already, but I suppose I do. I just don't know what love is to be absolutely sure.

Fifty one questions I found that are supposed to challenge me and make me open up to myself. Well. Isn't that interesting. As it turns out, I'm already completely honest with myself and fairly happy. Huh.

It's one o'clock and I'm hungry. Blast.

On The Pearl and Cain

I'm trying to dive into The Pearl of Great Price, something I've been avoiding for quite a long time as it's a bit of a make or breaker for me testimonially speaking. I once tried out an Institute class on the book and upon some research of my own in regards to its origins, I decided that I was simply not strong enough to handle that little firecracker just yet. Am I strong enough now? No, probably not, but my approach this time is a bit different.

First of all, the book is apparently drawn from ancient texts found with mummified remains bought by Joseph Smith. He then proceeded to translate them into what would become part of the text. There is much controversy concerning the Book of Abraham in particular, because the facsimiles are now known to be from the Egyptian Book of the Dead. This is just the sort of thing that I would take to be solid evidence against the Church, and a couple of years ago I struggled to find a reason to believe in a religion that was scripturally based on lies. Since then I've taken to heart the words found in Moroni 10:8:

And again, I exhort you, my brethren, that ye deny not the gifts of God, for they are many; and they come from the same God. And there are different ways that these gifts are administered; but it is the same God who worketh all in all; and they are given by the manifestations of the Spirit of God unto men, to profit them.

Yes, it doesn't help me much considering that this little bit comes from a book also contested to be false, but what it does suggest is that it really doesn't matter. Whatever the source of a scripture is, it is still meant to profit men. Whatever we can gain from morally is good. All good things are of God. So what does it matter to me that The Pearl of Great Price is originally a lie made by a possible con man trying to start a cult? Considering what these scriptures teach, they are good and of God. This is the approach I've adopted in studying any religious text, and I'm ready to take on a previously daunting (size means nothing, as we've learned from Napoleon) task.

Tonight I'm reading Moses 5, which basically runs through the story of Cain and Abel. Cain gets some major slack in Christian lore, and I don't want to undermine that in the least. Cain worships Satan. Cain hates Abel. Cain kills Abel. Cain gets in trouble with God. Cain STILL worships Satan. Okay, really? If God were talking to you in such a straight forward manner, wouldn't you not have done the things to get you in trouble with Him? But hold on a minute, do we really expect that kind of intimate communication between God and Man at that time?

It seems to me that we sort of expect more from scripture than we should. It's why we have such a hard time believing now. 'If God talked to men then, why doesn't He now?' What makes you think he doesn't now, or that He didn't talk to them the way He talks to us today? When you feel that God is telling you something, isn't He then talking, if not literally?

Let's assume then that Cain wasn't talking to God directly, face to face. He wasn't talking to Satan face to face either. Both he and Abel had nothing to go on save for their own intuition and the things their parents had told them about God and Satan. They were the first to have to show faith rather than perfect knowledge, making them all the more subject to falling away from God. In those early days I would think that the problem facing the children of Adam was apathy towards God, not so much sin, since sin wasn't quite invented yet.

In this go around with Cain and Abel, I was struck most with the sacrifices the brothers make to God. Bearing in mind that they were both in touch with God and Satan no differently than we are, I don't know that it's completely fair to say that Cain made his sacrifice because Satan told him to. At least, not knowingly. Isn't it the way of Satan to tempt us in stealth? After my own sort of revelation in writing on the subject of sin some time ago, I should know that sin isn't always so straight forward and blatantly obvious.

Perhaps, then, Cain did love God. Perhaps he loved God more than he thought he loved Satan. That is, after all, a harsh accusation to make. I can imagine that Cain was a good kid who did what his parents asked and worked hard in the fields. He wasn't some shady figure with fingers tapping against each other and a grimacing smile twisting across his face. Not at all. Cain's problem was his spiritual apathy.

No Man's Land is where we find ourselves on the spiritual plane when we entertain apathy. We're easy targets for either side. Being caught in the crossfire, it's hard to tell where the bullets are coming or going. We don't want to be shot, but a bullet is still a bullet, and once shot, there's really no telling what side is responsible for our wounds. You have a better chance of being killed running around out there than safely situated on either side, making apathy more dangerous even than being on the side of Satan. This is where Cain could become a sympathetic character. We all suffer apathy from time to time. Being a cautionary tale, however, we shouldn't feel sympathy at all for his plight.

Cain makes a sacrifice to God after being told to by Satan whom, I believe, is imitating the Holy Spirit. Don't we sometimes feel the need to make sacrifices to God? Only sometimes, and never consistently. Faith isn't something that can grow and strengthen after a sudden burst of spiritual energy. It's a muscle that needs to be worked. This was Cain's mistake, and this is what God called him out for. Of course, in Godly fashion, it was done out of love. A gentle, chiding wake up call to prompt Cain into a more active faith. Cain doesn't deserve sympathy then because he chose to do otherwise.

I must reiterate here though that Cain can't have caught on to God's prompting. I imagine that Abel was granted blessings for his faithfulness expressed in his sacrifice. His consistency would be commendable. Cain must have been hurting and in need of some blessings. Perhaps he prayed and felt that the answer was to make a sacrifice. One sacrifice. His burst of spiritual energy, hoping to lose a few pounds off his apathy gut in one fell blow. But we know it doesn't work like that. It's not fun giving up what you think is alot, only to reap nothing, while your brother gives and gives and gains everything. I think that the murder in question came about because Cain was at his wits end in desperation by the time he thought to make a sacrifice, and when it didn't work he cracked. The story is all the more tragic and frighteningly close to home in this light.

We may be good at dodging bullets, and perhaps we haven't had to dodge them at all, but all it takes is one to take us down. Best it be a shot of faith and not malice (an imperfect analogy, I know), but unless we work to get out of Apathetic Man's Land then we are essentially up for grabs. This is a lesson to be learned from Cain and Abel. We can only survive so long before we either see the truth or give in to darkness without really knowing it. I don't think Cain was in his right mind in the end. He probably just struck Abel with a shovel in the middle of an argument.

Thinking this over in the few minutes it took to read chapter 5 of Moses, it makes the story all the more potent for me. Cain wasn't evil. None of us really are. Cain wasn't even really bad or vindictive, I think. He was simply aloof. The moral? Get your act together.

On Bad Christmas Songs

Last Christmas I gave you my heart. The very next day you gave it away. This year, to save me from tears, I'll give it to someone special.

What is wrong with this picture? Maybe it's just me thinking too much on the trivial things that don't deserve such thorough contemplation, but I don't get it. I don't get several things. This merits an eye roll from my audience; especially if they know me personally because they'll understand. I really need to stop overthinking things.

Back to the song. It is the questionable Christmas song of the year, and I always have one. Last year I think it was 'Mary, Did You Know?' I question the lyrics ad nauseam to anyone who will listen, and this course of action often results in quiet mutterings to myself since I know I'll never tire of listening to myself question things. What is wrong with 'Mary, Did You Know?' For one thing, why are you questioning her about events that she would have had no way of preconceiving? She's not Cassandra. Of course she doesn't know. I'm certain, however, that she knew her unborn rug rat was pretty gifted since she was told by God that this kid was the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. And she was a virgin. Anyone with child who has never engaged in intercourse is going to have one special tot. If not in a godly way, they would at least be special in a handicapped way considering they'd be missing a chromosome or two. So what is the point of the song? Why do you keep singing in questions that will never be answered anyway because Mary died about two thousand years ago? This song is officially on my top ten worst Christmas songs list.

This year we are plagued by 'Last Christmas'. This song comes in a wide variety of recordings and is played on the Sirius Holly station at least once an hour, as though it's the only Christmas song aside from the trash produced by Mariah Carey. At the very least I have not had to endure 'A Wonderful Christmastime' by Paul McCartney at all so far this season. That is the Number One Worst Song of probably all eternity. Forget Christmas. I wail like a bleeding banshee when I have to hear it. I don't think any other song can do that.

The problem with the song 'Last Christmas' is the plain stupidity of the notion of making the same mistake twice. So you're going to give your heart to someone special this year, that's great. That sounds pretty foolproof to me. Wait... no. No it doesn't. Because no emotionally healthy person is going to just give their heart to anyone anyway, so the person who got it last year and gave it away was someone special and deserving at that time... right? Right. Logically then, that emotionally healthy person would have learned better than to give their heart out like Halloween candy again the next year because, well, that's a mistake you learn from. Let's pretend that giving your heart away is as comparably momentous to giving away virginity. Most people take it seriously, and I think that if it were returnable, most people would not be so hasty to give it away again so soon. Especially if they gave it up on Christmas and were dumped the day after. So what the Dickens is this song doing in existence? Why are you making the same stupid mistake again? What sort of emotion should be boiling in my being as I listen to this song? Do you want sympathy from me, because I can't give sympathy to idiots who are asking for disappointment.

As a final note, if there was a song called 'Meg, Did You Know?' and one of the questions was "Did you know that one day there'd be a sequel to the dogs barking Jingle Bells and that it'd be Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer meowed by cats in autotune?" I would answer "Yes, I did know that." Because there will be. It will be the biggest Christmas hit of 2012, signalling the definite end of the world.

On Drama

I have never had to suffer at the hands of a high school drama queen. Though it was long ago, I remember that high school was relatively easy going. I had drama free people with which to spend the lunch hour, and during summer I didn't even have to deal with them.

Wait a minute, that's a lie. My dear friend Richard and I call it the 'incident', and at the time it was major crisis. It took about two weeks before reconciliation could be met, and met it was by sighs of relief.

Richard sat right behind me in French class. We kept to the back of the room with our friend Jessica so we could talk and play card games rather than pay attention. We figured we were too smart, since we used French in daily conversation anyway. This behavior wasn't discouraged either, as I remember distinctly one day being caught by the teacher with my book open during a test. She asked me why it was open and walked away. I got an A in the test despite my cheating. For the record: I only cheat when it's too easy and/or I have no respect for a teacher who shows no indication of intelligent thought.

This 'incident' came about early on in the school year. Richard had taken to snapping my bra for giggles, which annoyed me to no end. I would tell him to stop, but he persisted, laughing like a bleeding hyena. he had a habit of goofing off. I would look behind me in class, only to see him smiling at me like a madman, his face turning red as he held his breath, his knuckles going white as he clutched at the edges of his desk. He would start shaking until he couldn't hold it in anymore and the giggles would seize him. He's still the same way.

My bra came undone under my shirt during a lecture to which I was actually paying attention. The little blighter had taken it too far, and I wasn't amused. I chided him in a whisper as he apologized. I couldn't very well fix the dang thing in class, so I sat quietly until afterwards when I got mad at him. It wasn't much of a deal after I let it be known that I was upset. The drama came later when I told my parents in passing conversation. They were livid. They were not pleased that I'd taken to the company of a boy claiming to be gay, and this was a golden opportunity. They called the school, Richard was assigned to after school service, and I was never to talk to him again. We played telephone through Jessica, who was growing weary of it very quickly, and she orchestrated our renewed friendship. We've been best friends ever since.

See, nothing should ever really be a big deal. Nothing is worth enough to be considered damnable because most every crime against each other is either a misunderstanding or completely remediable. Most feuds between people can be fixed with a bit of reflection and forgiveness. If I'm ever upset, I let the other party know, and then I carry on like normal. I don't need a big apology, just something sincere. Since sometimes sincere apologies have to be waited for, I like to carry on as normal with a friendship. Doing this helps me; I know we're still friends and that we'll overcome the obstacle. I guess this just doesn't work for everyone. Some people just need to hold on to whatever it is that is making their lives miserable.

Drama is born out of this unwillingness to let go. I don't get it, personally. I don't understand why people are so willing to stay angry at each other. No, we can't help trespasses. We aren't perfect. But if we're all so imperfect and making mistakes all the time, what justification is there to stay cross when we fall victim to those mistakes that we could very well make ourselves? It's selfish and counterproductive to hold a grudge. Secondly, why are people paranoid that others are out to get them all the time?

I'm suffering this high school drama now, and it's been longer than two weeks. I could really care less about this problem I'm facing, and I don't even think about it as often as I do other things. Really, this is at the bottom of my list. A fly buzzing around my head while I watch my house burn down. She thinks I'm out to get her, but why would I be out to get her? What benefit would I find in her demise?

I just don't get it. Things can go over any way she wants to try them, but my tactic is to continue this state of apathy until it blows over. However, one can only tolerate a fly for so long, and my patience is wearing thin. I need a miracle.