On Bad Christmas Songs

Last Christmas I gave you my heart. The very next day you gave it away. This year, to save me from tears, I'll give it to someone special.

What is wrong with this picture? Maybe it's just me thinking too much on the trivial things that don't deserve such thorough contemplation, but I don't get it. I don't get several things. This merits an eye roll from my audience; especially if they know me personally because they'll understand. I really need to stop overthinking things.

Back to the song. It is the questionable Christmas song of the year, and I always have one. Last year I think it was 'Mary, Did You Know?' I question the lyrics ad nauseam to anyone who will listen, and this course of action often results in quiet mutterings to myself since I know I'll never tire of listening to myself question things. What is wrong with 'Mary, Did You Know?' For one thing, why are you questioning her about events that she would have had no way of preconceiving? She's not Cassandra. Of course she doesn't know. I'm certain, however, that she knew her unborn rug rat was pretty gifted since she was told by God that this kid was the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. And she was a virgin. Anyone with child who has never engaged in intercourse is going to have one special tot. If not in a godly way, they would at least be special in a handicapped way considering they'd be missing a chromosome or two. So what is the point of the song? Why do you keep singing in questions that will never be answered anyway because Mary died about two thousand years ago? This song is officially on my top ten worst Christmas songs list.

This year we are plagued by 'Last Christmas'. This song comes in a wide variety of recordings and is played on the Sirius Holly station at least once an hour, as though it's the only Christmas song aside from the trash produced by Mariah Carey. At the very least I have not had to endure 'A Wonderful Christmastime' by Paul McCartney at all so far this season. That is the Number One Worst Song of probably all eternity. Forget Christmas. I wail like a bleeding banshee when I have to hear it. I don't think any other song can do that.

The problem with the song 'Last Christmas' is the plain stupidity of the notion of making the same mistake twice. So you're going to give your heart to someone special this year, that's great. That sounds pretty foolproof to me. Wait... no. No it doesn't. Because no emotionally healthy person is going to just give their heart to anyone anyway, so the person who got it last year and gave it away was someone special and deserving at that time... right? Right. Logically then, that emotionally healthy person would have learned better than to give their heart out like Halloween candy again the next year because, well, that's a mistake you learn from. Let's pretend that giving your heart away is as comparably momentous to giving away virginity. Most people take it seriously, and I think that if it were returnable, most people would not be so hasty to give it away again so soon. Especially if they gave it up on Christmas and were dumped the day after. So what the Dickens is this song doing in existence? Why are you making the same stupid mistake again? What sort of emotion should be boiling in my being as I listen to this song? Do you want sympathy from me, because I can't give sympathy to idiots who are asking for disappointment.

As a final note, if there was a song called 'Meg, Did You Know?' and one of the questions was "Did you know that one day there'd be a sequel to the dogs barking Jingle Bells and that it'd be Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer meowed by cats in autotune?" I would answer "Yes, I did know that." Because there will be. It will be the biggest Christmas hit of 2012, signalling the definite end of the world.