This is the week that kicks off my less than pleasant April. It comes without fail every year, and I'm still at a loss as to why April is the way it is. Is it more difficult than, say, November because there is no festive pause to allow a deep breath before the plunge? This is my theory anyway. April is always the worst month in my year.
So why so glum? I'm passing my classes, all of which I enjoy for the most part. It may be the anticipation of final papers and exams. In the next three weeks I have to explain Zoroastrianism in first century Iran in a paper addressed to an idiot audience. I must compare the philosophies of Alexander the Great, Cicero, and Charlemagne on power and greatness. Lastly I will analyze early modern literature from a feminist perspective, which will be the most difficult because my tyrannous professor is a flaming feminist who specializes in Latin American literature and I am decidedly non/post feminist with a preference for pre-20th century British literature and a bias against anything from the Americas. That will be the difficulty and currently sits as the source of my woes. Or not...
Trixie has announced her departure. Already, and too long in coming. There are twenty two days left to endure her inconsiderations and predisposition to phoniness. I don't know if I'll make it and I'm not sure she will either. She, above all, is what makes me the most unhappy. Arrgh.
On Monday I come home to discover her car in the drive. Funny, she said she'd be out of town all week. I was counting on her being out of town. It would've been a glorious week without her or her boyfriend in the house and I could relax. Didn't work that way though. I've concluded that the reason why I am so frustrated lately is because her very presence demands a certain amount of walking on eggshells. If there's anyone I can't tolerate it's a phony. Unfortunately we all must be phonies to a degree, and when I come home it's with the expectation that I can relax and be myself and not have to cater to anyone's self perception. Now I'm on edge all the time in the case that she decides to appear and demand me to be in 'customer service' mode.
The stress from the day (It was a bad day at work with angry customers) was escalated when I discovered that the dishes (MY dishes that I don't use because she uses them and doesn't wash them) were all dirty and that her boyfriend had brought a posse to hang out. Bro is here every day, and it kills me. Her sister has also taken to arriving in the ungodly hours of the morning to spend the night. Every night. I had a fit like a two year old. I threw the garbage can across the room as I tried to jerk the bag out because it was full and 'someone' hadn't bothered to take it out. I was overanxious and aggravated to the point that I knew I could not get any studying done.
Tuesday was hard because I had foolishly taken an extra shift, losing precious time to the whims of retail. I don't regret volunteering to take the shift. If it had been anyone other than my very good friend Gage asking for someone to cover it, I would not have taken it. This does not make it any less foolish of me, but I'm glad to be of service. I only regret making him buy me a sandwich since I had no time that day to grab anything from the start of my original shift at 7:45 am to the end of his at 7:15 pm. I don't typically- no, I NEVER ask for compensation for a service like that, and I feel as though I cheated him.
Wednesday was a blur. All I really remember of the day was riding the bus home and trying to make plans for the weekend only to be reminded that it's that time of year. Not only are my friends too busy with the end of term, but I really am as well and shouldn't be wasting my time on socialization. Living in a house with an intellectual black hole, however, is making the isolation unbearably difficult to cope with. I have several ideas I want to talk out, and all Tonks wants to do is pounce on spiders until they're D-E-D dead.
Despite it all; despite the unwanted April snowstorms and the load of research and writing to be done, I can't say I'm disappointed. Krissy, my roommate, has been a trooper the whole time. When I lost control and threw the rubbish bin, she calmed me down and took me to a coffee shop to study. It was nice to be a patron rather than a caterer, and I was able to get through my homework better than I would have at home. We shared a large piece of red velvet cake and had some hot drinks. On Thursday we went to In-N-Out for dinner and stopped at IKEA to pick up some furniture. Even after the accumulation of crap in the course of four days, spending an hour trying to pack a large desk into her over-packed SUV was a joy rather than a hindrance. It looks fantastic in the living room.
What it comes down to, and I will have to write another blog on this later, is that I'm happy. Even with the stress, I've been able to stand back and say that I'd have it no other way. I'm working towards something, and in the end all I have is myself to satisfy me. I think I'm doing a damned good job at being me and I can defeat April. I can defeat Trixie's stupidity. I can defeat these end of term assignments. Why? Because I'm bleeding brilliant, and I know what I'm going to do with the time that is given to me; keep at it and stand above time.
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