I get to thinking about life quite a bit lately, seeing as I have some spare time. Sort of. I must admit that in some ways it's getting far more complicated lately than I like. I often feel as though it's nearing that time again where I fall off the face of the planet and start again. Why? Oh, because I do this every couple of years. I grew up moving around, and that's how I like it. Packing up and leaving is very easy for me to do because it offers up the opportunity to start a new adventure.
Alas, there is no removal of self from this current situation for the foreseeable future and I'm afraid that I'm beginning to wonder if I can survive it. I'm pretty sure I can, but having to stick it through has forced me to reevaluate the way I interact with my world. I have to be more social, for example, instead of taking my perch as observer. There is no being anonymous in my own life anymore. I also have to live by what is quickly becoming a motto for myself, which is to find the adventure in monotony. Surprisingly, that's fairly simple to do with a decent enough imagination, and it is in galumphing through fantasy that makes reality bearable.
Now, I'm not partial to Spanish literature. There's really no getting me to cross the English Channel, so I haven't read Cervantes, but I definitely feel that this is the year of Don Quixote for me. I only have Peter O'Toole and Sophia Loren in 1972's Man of La Mancha to go off of, and the story as told in the musical is certainly one I feel I can relate to. I've been mulling the music around in my head, and I find it inspiring. Perhaps I'll come 'round and read the book because I certainly would like to. For now, I'll have to be satisfied with 'The Impossible Dream' as not written by Cervantes, but by Mitch Leigh and Joe Darion.
To dream the impossible dream
To fight the unbeatable foe
To bear with unbearable sorrow
To run where the brave dare not go
To right the unrightable wrong
To love pure and chaste from afar
To try when your arms are too weary
To reach the unreachable star
This is my quest
To follow that star
No matter how hopeless
No matter how far
To fight for the right
Without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell
For a heavenly cause
And I know that if I'll only be true
To this glorious quest
That my heart will lie peaceful and calm
When I'm laid to my rest
And the world will be better for this
That one man, scorned and covered with scars
Still he strove with his last ounce of courage
To reach the unreachable star
Typically this wouldn't apply to me. Having an easy way out has made it difficult for me to face tasks. I'm a creature of convenience, not one of hit or miss. It's never made sense to me to not succeed at something, and if that star is too high, I reach for one closer. I'm done with that. I'm sick and tired of being reasonable and going after the logical choice. I've always longed for adventure and quests, and this is where I take my leave of reality; by mounting my steed and riding off into who knows what. Perhaps I am delusional, and perhaps I will fail, but what does failure matter when reward is given not by the number of successes, but by my undying devotion to trying? That's what I believe, and it's about time that I applied that belief to my life.
In some ways I worry that this is the immature way to go, that living by trial and error is better left to young children just getting their feet wet. I feel that by the time you get to be an adult, you should be doing what I've already been doing. I feel as though I'm growing in the opposite direction. I've seen reality, I know how to survive well. I was the child who stuck to the rules and was beaten severely for it. I'm the charlatan artist who never experimented with different mediums in fear of inadequacy. I took for Word the wrong opinions and held myself back in fear that I wasn't good enough. I'm a very competitive person who must have perfection at the first go.
But what use is the competition if I'm only picking the battles I know I can win? That's not competition, that calculation and cheating. Looking back on things, what if I had applied to more than just one school? What if I had, against all odds, been accepted to a top fifty university? I might be better off, I might be worse off. That is an adventure I can't have, and I won't dwell on it, but I can choose to take those risks now. I'm reaching for things I may not ever be able to touch. I refuse to settle anymore. This is it. This is the leap. I'm dead scared and downright terrified, but I'm going to do it.
Firstly, I will seize the opportunity to make the most of my education in this life. I will go see and do what I feel must be done in order to fully understand what it is I'm studying. It's all very well to read books, but I'm a believer in going to history. It may not be in my best interest financially to go globe trotting or laying down the money for things I can't afford, but I trust in myself to find a way. I'm already an expert survivor, and I'm too smart to fall into a debtor's prison.
Secondly, I will bear a broken heart. This is especially hard for me. Emotions get in the way, and I don't like them. They're bloody distracting and only serve to get you in trouble. Even being upbeat and positive is dangerous. I'm prone to suffer from depression, and it has robbed me of much of my life. I've vowed to never again go through that. I won't break that vow, for there is a difference between suffering and bearing a burden. I invite Life to throw what it will at me, for my knees will not buckle.
Thirdly, I will trust in my God no matter the doubts I may have. I have wasted too much time in trying to seek Him out through scientific proof or philosophic validity. Proof doesn't matter. That's not what faith is about. So what if there is no God? So what if there is no eternal reward? At least I may die knowing I've lived life to the fullest in pursuit of something better.
So here I set myself up for financial insecurity, psychological instability, and delusional expectations. I am a fool, but only as much as anyone else. For all the mature adults in the world, how many mature adults don't suffer from at least one of these? I think there may be a difference. Where others fall into these problems despite their best efforts to avoid them, I'm going to take them head on. If it's just a windmill, then it won't be as difficult to defeat as an actual giant with an intelligence of its own, will it? For the sake of adventure, I'd still rather take it on as a giant.
In the musical, the character of Cervantes puts it nicely: "I've been a soldier and a slave. I've seen my comrades die in battle or die more slowly under the lash in Africa. I've held them in my arms at the final moment. These were men who saw life as it is, yet they died despairing. No glory, no brave last words, only their eyes, filled with confusion, questioning 'Why?' I don't think they were wondering why they were dying, but why they had ever lived. When life itself seems lunatic, who knows where madness lies? To surrender dreams-this may be madness; to seek treasure where there is only trash. Too much sanity may be madness! But maddest of all-to see life as it is and not as it should be."
Seeing life as it is never makes it better, nor does it make it any worse. Instinct will kick in, and even the worst can be overcome. "This is my quest, to follow that star. No matter how hopeless, no matter far... To be willing to march into Hell for a heavenly cause..."
Why, hello Cerberus.
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