On Sin and Revelation

I haven't been exactly the most active in church lately, preferring to sleep in and play hermit rather than walk the four blocks (in heels) to spend time with people who are... well... people. It's not that I don't like church. Or people. On the contrary I do like church because I think I get something out of it. I don't feel uplifted spiritually, but the contemplative state in which I find myself is refreshing. As for people? Oh, they're rather necessary to the experience, I think. Otherwise I'd just be sitting home alone contemplating the same thing, just without input.

Last Sunday I did happen to go. Relief Society comes first on the menu rather than Sacrament Meeting, and the lesson was on sin and repentance. Fairly basic doctrine to cover, right? I've heard it before, I'll hear it again, and I probably will never think anything o-hold on a tick.

I don't think I believe in sin.

I don't think I believe in sin?

Oh, sure, there's a right and a wrong. I believe in those. But when the girl leading the lesson asks us 'What is sin?' I was struck with the idea that I wasn't certain. For the majority of my youth, it was easy enough to define; doing drugs, engaging in premarital intercourse, theft, and various other temporal damnations. Having moved past that phase of life and not involving myself in anything particularly devilish aside from perhaps disobeying my parents, I'm beginning to wonder when the sin kicks in. I'm not trying to suggest that I'm perfect. I'm not perfect, though I fail to see what it is I do on a daily basis that could be considered a sin.

I believe that my imperfections are not so much a hindrance to my eternal salvation. They aren't weaknesses that Satan can really employ in temptation. Rather, they are what make me less than a god. They're apart of my given nature. While I realize that the devil does exploit them (according to belief), where does he exploit mine, and when do my shortcomings diverge from a state of mere inclination to a state of sin? When I get angry, is the fact that I'm angry the sin? Or rather is it only a sin to act upon that anger?

Sin, from what I understand, is action. There can be no sin unless you act. Satan, being banished from the presence of God, can have no access to our souls. Even if we sin, we have repentance to remedy the eternal consequences. The only power Satan has is over this temporal state, and that, I've already established, is where I don't have problems. I do get angry, but I rarely act upon it, unless making a snide remark counts against me. I don't see how it could in a macrocosmic way. So should I worry? Am I a sinner? Is this enough to damn me eternally?

No matter how much I thought it over in Relief Society, I could not come up with anything that I do on a daily basis that could be considered a sin. I get distracted at work, but that's not hard to do, and I can't really help it. I prefer some people over others, but those I'm not fond of aren't bad people nor do I wish them ill, so that can't be a sin. Otherwise I clock in on time, I follow protocol like a champ, and I avoid confrontation. So if there's no sin, then it doesn't exist, right?

Wrong. As it was pointed out to me, sin does exist in other people. There are still people who kill, lie, cheat, etc. Those are undoubtedly sins. So I suppose the question for me isn't so much 'What is sin?' as it is 'How do I sin?' I must sin in some way, if not in doing something then in not doing something. I think this is what it comes down to with me, and this is a question I think I can answer.

My problem isn't so much following the commandments, it's believing that following them means something. I haven't attended the temple since I was in high school, although I could, and I rarely ever take the sacrament, although I should. While I can't find any reason to not do these things, I don't feel worthy of either. We're taught that we need to be spiritually prepared to enter the temple or take the sacrament. Am I? Can I do these things without a perfect faith in Christ or even God? There is no doubt in my mind that we were created by a higher being(s), and I know, at least, that Jesus Christ lived. So what is it? What is this sin that nags at me and is the reason for my denial of necessary ritual? Is it my doubts in religion itself? This can't be it, because sin has already been established to be an action, not an inclination.

I think, in the process of writing this blog, I have found the answer. It is not withdrawing from God because my sins are too great and repentance is incomplete. It is withdrawing from God because I believe I am unworthy of His Grace because of my own lack of faith.

Alma 32:21 comes to mind (emphasis added): "And now as I said concerning faith-faith is NOT to have a PERFECT knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye HOPE for things which are not seen, which are true." My knowledge is far from perfect, but I rely on it too much. My sin is in acting upon this idea that perfect knowledge, rather than the hope I have, is what I need to be worthy. Therefor I deny myself the blessings of temple attendance and the renewal of baptismal covenants, which stifles my faith, and creates a hindrance upon my eternal salvation. Furthermore, Moroni 7:17 says that whatever thing persuades us to NOT serve God is of the devil, thereby qualifying my inactivity as a sin.

This is a pretty fantastic revelation. Having now had it, I think I'll work on repenting. There's only one thing I don't understand. Why is this my greatest temptation rather than something normal like lying?