Ramble Bramble

Here I find myself in a pickle.

I often wonder what it is I'm doing. Yes, I realize that questioning one's existence is rather commonplace, but I think... I'm not sure of what I'm still doing here, if you get my meaning. Having graduated, I have exactly what I came for and I just don't see any point of continuing. I could go to law school. I could get a masters in something else. I could get that ever desired PhD and teach for the rest of my life, but the point is: I'm done. It's terrifying to think about, but without school I am absolutely nothing.

Near the end of high school I was caught up in a crisis such as the one I face now. I hadn't applied to any schools my senior year, I hadn't taken all of the AP classes I'd wanted to. I didn't have the right science credits. I hadn't taken any of the tests I was told to. All I was riding on was the prospects of community college as a buffer until I got a university figured out. As for uni, well, that turned out to be just as lackluster and conveniently last minute. You see I can't plan. Anything. Either it is feasibly easy for me to achieve or I don't bother. I don't reach above and beyond because above and beyond has too high a risk factor for failure and I am not a failure. Preach all you like that not trying is in and of itself a failure, but I'm not convinced. It's a safety net. Accepting the possibility of failure is illogical. It's often also a waste of money. Money that I don't really have to spend.

I would cry myself to sleep during those last few months. What was to become of me after graduation? Would I ever be a real college student? How would I pay for school? What if I never got married (Mormon expectations be damned)? What if I couldn't decide on a major? These are all questions that still haunt me, even after I've chosen a major, been a student, and paid for school. School isn't going to end, and yet it could. This could very well be the end, and I could be forced out into the world as a working adult. I don't want it yet. I don't want to end up working 40 hours a week in some drab office with no prospects of ever doing anything. I'm too important for that.

Which sounds pompous. Yes, I admit that I can be quite a bit self righteous, but do you have any idea how important my thoughts are? I could make a huge difference in this world, but my education is not complete! I realize this is all very disjointed and I'm talking crazy and very candidly, but I think this is what they call a brain fart. Which is disgusting, by the way. Anyway, this is where it all stands. Right up at the precipice again, just like it did almost seven years ago in the twilight of May 2004. I can go on and continue my education, but this too will pass and I will have to face reality and be just. Like. Everyone. Else. Or... I could die.

Now I don't consider myself to be suicidal. I was suicidal in middle school. Nobody seemed to understand that there were more important things to life than anime and drugs and sex. I wasn't on par with the South Park craze or dressing like they did on Dawson's Creek, and when all you want is acceptance by your peers, not having that is just like the end of the world. If these people don't accept you, there is no point in living. Ten years later, I can't say I actually care about being accepted. I've come to realize that while people may not accept me, it doesn't mean I'm any less of an awesome person. If anything, not having a social life has opened up doors to learning that I wouldn't get otherwise had I been more attentive to college parties and debauchery. Knowledge is power, and when these animals are no longer capable of taking care of themselves, it'll be up to me to come in and fix things. That's how it always works. But they don't deserve it. I don't know if I want to help them. Is it worth it to me? Because I'm still going to be alone. Is that really the problem?

No, it's not the problem. The problem is... semesters off kill me. I'm bored. I have nothing to do. I might as well commit suicide if anything to not be bored. Oh, and the prospects of life post post grad are grim. I don't. Want. A desk job. I want to... educate. I want to... pass down this expanse of knowledge in my brain so I don't have to carry it anymore. So someone else can carry it so it doesn't die. That's it. I have to teach. Or rule a small country. There can be no other option.

Thanks for letting me ramble at you. For the record, I'm not going to kill myself. Today at least.