On the Removal of Wisdom Teeth

My intelligence, according to my mother, will prove to be greatly diminished in the coming years as the only anchor I had (in the form of teeth, no less) has been literally ripped from my skull in an act of barbarism. I'm thoroughly convinced that the reason why we extract wisdom teeth is simply to satiate Man's desire to release energy in the form of violence. As it's no longer socially acceptable to kill your neighbor for sport, we've taken to claiming chunks of each other. Dentists, then, are a cult to be avoided; they are a regular gaggle of Shylocks waiting for their pound of flesh.

I'll admit it didn't hurt, but then again, I couldn't get enough Novocaine. My dentist said he'd never used so much on a patient before, and all I could respond with was cradling my arms and swinging them back and forth to indicate that I was a baby (I would have said as much, but I was too swelled to form words with my mouth). Actually, the experience wasn't all that unpleasant, considering the laughing gas. What was unpleasant was having my 'fight or flight' instinct completely countered. I kept thinking on the need to get away. I knew what came next, and I needed to escape in the name of self preservation. “It's not fair! This isn't natural!” I exclaimed, “You can't trump instinct! If we weren't meant to have wisdom teeth, then we wouldn't have them! Let me go!” Now you might imagine that I was tied down to a table, writhing and screaming at the top of my lungs, but actually it came out as a gigglish slur as my arms flopped about the sides of the chair.

The dentist's office was very well furnished and included televisions on the ceiling. As a child, all I can recall were small, sterilized rooms with stimulating or distracting visuals. Though I didn't get anything out of the film I was watching, it was nice to have some other noise to compete against the unpleasant sounds coming from right next to my eardrums. No, I don't remember anything of it, save that they mentioned Marseilles once. I got excited and started slurring to the dentist as he had his little pliers around my tooth.

“'Ahsthei Wahngze (this is the best I can do at typing out how it sounded)! Cahognize' 'ei 'e Gweeks uhn'il 'e 'O-uhns 'ook I' an' calle' I' 'Ah-alia!” I opened my thoughts up for conversation at a most inopportune moment.

Doctor Hamilton, my dentist, took his tools from out of my mouth, “What was that?”

I pointed up at the television screen and repeated what I'd just said, but it still made no sense to him, so he continued with his work. What I'd been trying to say, of course, was “Marseilles France! Colonized by the Greeks until the Romans took it and called it Massalia!” The doctor gave a knowing nod regardless, and continued about his work.

I lulled in and out, trying to stay awake in the case that falling asleep would mean death. I think that's actually why I started reciting the Greek alphabet. Afterwards I couldn't recall the reasoning, but I think that's it. My mom said I was signing out the letters I was reciting, and I started spelling things out, although very poorly. Delta-Rho-Upsilon-Lambda-Tau-Alpha was an unsuccessful attempt at spelling 'drugs' and ending up with 'delta'. 'Drulta' has yet to be defined.

I survived, and I've been sleeping all weekend. So much for getting my reading done. I've been on four different drugs at a time that render me incapable of walking in a straight line. My siblings were convinced that my faceplants on the floor were a bit melodramatic, but I really don't hold meds very well. All in all, a rather simple procedure. I've had worse, and without the numbing it would have topped them all, but I wouldn't mind if I had to do it again. I have some fillings to get before October, so I will be back on the gas very soon.